the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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