if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
