I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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