I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
