So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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