I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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