So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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