evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
