Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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