my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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