she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
