I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
