he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
