Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
