you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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