I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
