So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just invented taco cereal.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
