Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
