I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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