this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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