Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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