im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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