Michael Bay diarrhea
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I love you.
Bad choice
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
