Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
