Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
