I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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