Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
