I think my fart just growled at me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
