If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
