My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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