i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
