I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
