Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
