Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
