My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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