My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
