Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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