He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
