she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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