Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
