I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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