sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pants are for mortals
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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