So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
