after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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