DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just cut my nipple shaving
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
