Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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