you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
