I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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