his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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