i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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