i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
