You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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