i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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