Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
