My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
