I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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